Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I have been changed...

As I've mentioned in previous posts, often I have been asked why I chose to become a paramedic; why I remain a paramedic.  The answer I frequently provide, jokingly, of course, is because I am selfishly selfless.  The looks I get after giving that answer are generally perplexed.  So, let me explain.  I enjoy helping people.  I feel it is my calling to render aid to those in need.  Thus, when helping someone else, I get the warm and fuzzies; I am selfishly helping others.  However, how selfish is it really?

According to a Psychological Reports article from 1996 by Francine Grevin, paramedics show the highest rate of burnout among all other healthcare professionals due to "dealing with life and death emergencies in hazardous environments and chronic exposure to human tragedy" to name a few.  That is, we see graphic things in austere environments.  Grevin (1996) comments that such astonishingly high rates of stress lead to burnout, drug and alcohol abuse, and work-related and family problems.  Furthermore, Drewitz-Chesney (2012) explains that paramedics experience higher rates of PTSD than police officers and firefighters for the same factors listed above, which can be severely detrimental to personal and family lives.

So, I ask again, how selfish is it really of those of us who chose to become paramedics because we get a good feeling from helping others?

My co-workers and mentors in EMS always told me that EMS changes people, but, naively, I chose to ignore what they had to say and pretend that I was invincible and couldn't be changed.  My mind, and thus behavior, could not be altered by the effects of EMS. 

But I find myself wondering how invincible I truly am, or was.  I have seen, over the years, friends get married and get divorced and get married again and get divorced again.  I have seen relationships blossom and relationships die.  I've seen the spark of happiness in a new employee's eyes and the look of horror and defeat in their eyes just years, or even months later.  But I have also seen marriages and relationships flourish in EMS for whatever reasons; maybe strong coping skills, resilience or a sense of coherence (a view of the world that recognizes the meaning and predictability of it), as Streb, Haller and Michael (2014) suggest.

My parents recently asked me if I actually have feelings, if I have the capacity to love another human being, trust another human being.  And honestly, that got me thinking.  Do I think I have that capacity, of course.  I have grown to truly love many of the people I work with, if for no other reason because of the common bonds we share, because of the tragic images that will forever remain stained in our brains.  For the sounds of gunfire that will forever ring in our ears.  And for the stench of a dead body that will forever remain in our nares.  We share that.  We get that.  Not many other people can understand what we understand.

I've recently found myself at events with friends of mine from my pre-EMS life.  They do and forever will have a special place in my heart.  But every time I see them, I find myself thinking about how much THEY have changed.  How little we have in common because they're all different.  Although, I can't help but think that maybe they're all the same, and I have changed.

For example, the things we used to discuss no longer interest me.  It's no longer intriguing to hear about so-and-so and whatever mishap has happened in their life.  It no longer piques my interest to hear about so-and-so and their 60-, 80-, or 100-thousand-dollar-a-year job.  Or about their children who are constantly misbehaving, or their children who are perfect angels.  It no longer makes me smile when they talk about how inexpensive their ridiculously priced haircut or shirt or suit or shoes cost.  All I hear in my head is how petty the discussions have become. 

Why should I care that you are cooking a 10-course meal for people who just moved into the neighborhood when I have to walk into homes in the middle of the night and see malnourished children who have never, and likely will never experience a 10-course meal?  Why should I care that your pool man or housekeeper didn't show up today, even though they were supposed to, when I see people who are the pool man and the housekeeper both for their family and yours?  Why should I care that your kid can read at 1 year old when I see 50 year olds who never had the luxury of attending school, and still have no idea how to read?  Why should I care about your debate between this name brand pair of shoes and that name brand pair of shoes when I have patients who couldn't dream of such shoes or having a debate about such shoes?  Or where you're going to eat for dinner tonight when I see people who don't even have enough money to put food on their own table, in their stomachs and their childrens' stomachs, not to mention eat off the dollar menu at McDonalds??

Do I feel this way because I have changed or do I feel this way because they have changed?  If it's me, is this a good change or a bad change?  Is it bad that the conversations and people who used to interest me rarely do so now?  Is it a problem that with whoever one of us has changed, a distance has grown between us?  I can't answer that question for myself or anyone else.  What I can say is that things that once were run-of-the-mill, important, life-altering questions and decisions no longer seem to be; in fact, many seem unimportant and petty.

This previous line of questioning brings to mind a song from the epic Broadway play Wicked: "For Good".  A line from the song "Because I knew you...I have been changed for good".  I think of my career in EMS in a similar way; however, to define the word good appropriately in context, I have to figure out if EMS has changed me for the better, or forever; both of which sufficient definitions for the word good.

I know that over the years in which I have been in EMS, the way I view the world has changed.  The things that used to have meaning, don't necessarily carry the same weight as they used to.  The people and interpersonal relationships I've known no longer have the same significance.  The context of the world has changed in my mind.  Certain things, materials, individuals and experiences don't have the same relevance as they once did.  However, the world is still a meaningful place for me.  So, have I changed for the better, have I changed forever, or both? 

I'd venture to say that to those who once knew me, my world, my attitude and my ability to express and receive emotion, I have changed...not for the better.  But does that make me a worse person?  No, it makes me a person more familiar with what may or may not be as important in MY world as it may or may not be in someone else's world.  It makes me an individual who recognizes that the world and the environments in which we live are ever-evolving, dynamic and, to some degree, predictable.  It makes me a person who is more aware, both of my self and my surroundings.

But, again, to those who once knew me, it makes me appear more distant, withdrawn and, perhaps, less compassionate.  The truth is, externally, I may not convey compassion, I may not be the model of kindness and caring, but I am compassionate and I do care and I am kind.  I just express my sense of caring in a less exaggerated fashion to things, material and individuals who aren't experiencing true tragedy or dilemma.  I don't appear compassionate to those suffering from a bump in the road versus a life-changing, sentinel event.  That, however, does not mean I don't care; it just means my view of what is important has changed.

So, relating back to relationships outside of my EMS family, I can understand why people say I have changed, because I have.  But, because they don't know what I do, how I do it, or even the circumstances under which I do it, they don't get it.  And they never will. 

To reference my last post regarding burnout, which is very much related to this post, paramedics and EMTs might find it easier to confide in and express emotion to others who have experienced the same or similar incidents as they have, that's just human nature.  Is it something to become offended by?  No.  It is just a reality that those who aren't in the EMS family must learn to understand and accept.  It is also why having people with whom you can relate is so important for those of us in EMS, because most of the time, we won't find it at home.  And at home, our behavior, emotions (or lack thereof), and point-of-view may not be favorable, even if we can no longer control it or provide reasonable explanations for it. 

But there is a reason.  In fact, there are as many reasons as there have been patients under our care.  Every patient has a story, and every story affects the story of my life, of our lives, of any EMS provider's life.  Those stories have changed us for good.  Those stories make all of us question whether or not we pursued a career in EMS for selfishly selfless reasons, or for selflessly selfless reasons.  While we may gain a stronger sense of self throughout our careers, to others who knew us before, we appear to lose some of ourselves.  Maybe we do lose some of ourselves, but that which we lose, we gain in other areas of our lives and we do become better people forever, potentially just more difficult to understand.


Citations:
Drewitz-Chesney, C. (2012). Posttraumatic stress disorder among paramedics: exploring a new solution with occupational health nurses using the Ottawa Charter as a framework. Workplace health & safety, 60(6), 257-263.

Grevin, F. (1996). Posttraumatic stress disorder, ego defense mechanisms, and empathy among urban paramedics. Psychological reports, 79(2), 483-495.
Streb, M., Häller, P., & Michael, T. (2014). PTSD in paramedics: Resilience and sense of coherence. Behavioural and cognitive psychotherapy, 42(4), 452-463.

59 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Thanks! Thank ya, love ya, bye! :-)

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    2. Powerfully expressed. I'm a hospital chaplain who works in the ER, Burn Unit and Trauma ICU. My job is not nearly as hands on and tactile as yours, but I feel many of the same feelings you experience. This article makes me all the more in awe of what EMS does each day.

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  2. What Katrina said. Excellent write up.

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  3. Asher, thank you!!!
    It's like you're in my head. I could not have explained this near as eloquently or thoroughly. I am sharing this, I truly hope that this continues to get shared. My wish would be that everyone that has friends, family and loved ones in EMS would have the opportunity to read this. Maybe, just maybe they would be more understanding and a little less judgemental. Thank you again for all you do my friend!!!

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  4. Very well said. You have spoken for several thounds of the selfishly selfless people out there. Thanks for explaining or better yet putting out there for all to see.

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  5. Do you have further information on the Dewitz-Chesney (2012) citation? I can't find a corresponding study. Thanks!

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    1. I missed the r in "Drewitz". I believe someone noted that below. Here's a link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22624848. Thanks for reading!

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  6. After recently retiring from 27 yrs in the paramedic world, I often reflect on those thoughts & feelings you expressed so well. As I got older I felt less resilient & so vividy aware of how fragile life is....I recognized the effect of a constant diet of misery & sadness.

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    1. Thank you for reading and sharing!

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    2. I packed it in after 10 years. I miss the camaraderie and the calls. Good and bad. I dont miss the paperwork and overtime! I am truly amazed at paramedics who have continued to retirement. Thank you for your service! And this well written article sums up the philosophy of paramedics: Intense and (sometime monotonous) experiences result in change in thought and behaviour.

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  7. Well said. I knew I had changed over the past 22 years, but I never was able to understand it. My mother has told me for years that i've turned into a cold person. People now bother me.

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  8. For information on the citation: Posttraumatic stress disorder among paramedics: exploring a new solution with occupational health nurses using the Ottawa Charter as a framework. (2012). Drewitz-Chesney

    The "r" was just missed in Drewitz :)

    Thank you for writing about changes following an EMS career. Some paramedics are never able to "gain" in other areas of their lives after some of their experiences, or are only able to do so years later. As the culture of EMS begins to change to make discussion of calls and responses to them "normal" to discuss with fellow paramedics, hopefully more will be able to gain in other aspects of their lives.

    Thank you for doing the important work of normalizing discussion about responses to calls with paramedics, as well as providing some insight to the public that tries to help, eg: friends, spouses that may not understand what is seen on the job and responses to those experiences.

    Cheryl Drewitz-Chesney

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    1. Thank you so much for pointing out the citation error. It has been corrected. And thank you very much for reading!

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  9. Indeed I have changed. I am less trusting, I am far more misanthropic outside of my work, I am cynical and I am jaded. Why? Not because of what people to to other people within our society or the things I have witnessed, it is because of the cruelty and insensitivity shown to those that HAVE been affected, and by the toxic, anachronistic and punitive workplace. In my workplace alone there have been multiple suicide attempts, as well as drug and alcohol addictions, I have watched colleagues die from oppressive policies and then watched as my employer bold face lied about the cause. I hate that I hate..... I stay because after 27 years I am trapped by a pension. Nothing more.

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    1. Thank you for reading, and sharing.

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    2. Thirty four years, one more too finish; it's too long. Also trapped by pension. Job has changed me as well, and not always for the better. Love to help others but I'm afraid of what retirement will look like because I HAVE been affected. Were will I get those "warm and fuzzies,I got from selfishly helping others????

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  10. Stated as only a paramedic can! Well done; you speek for us all . After 26 years, I can relate to everything you wrote. Cheers!
    Marvin

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  11. this finally is a way to explain to my wife why it's hard being a paramedic
    well said

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  12. 34 years of it and I have never heard it stated better, Thank you

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  13. .Hi, I spent 44 years as an active volunteer firefighter, EMT and Chief officer. I have physical ( docs say if I had been paid I would have been retired 4 times on full disability) injuries.Finally after asking the same questions I have reached the same conclusions exactly. Two springs ago I was diagnosed with " one of the most severe cases of PTSD we have seen in a long time, undoubtedly going back to Christmas of your senior year of high school (1967)." I had become a volunteer firefighter the previous summer... The reflections and learning that I have done as a result of the diagnosis have brought some modicum of understanding into my world... None the less, it is still a world of disbelief. You are so correct, "...or even the circumstances under which I do it, they don't get it. And they never will. " . They just don't get it and they never will... But people like us have been blessed by God himself, because we get it... or so I thought.

    I had to retire from the fire department due to the injuries. Only as these last two years have drifted by, do I begin to understand the horror and tragedy of what we do. The but the memories shine without the pain .Time seems to have softened the nightmares. I agree with what you said the others didn't get it and they never will. But now I am beginning to understand that I didn't get it either... You are struggling with the exact same situations and feelings as did I. And now that time has placed some distance between today and that past, I Really do understand that I DIDN'T GET IT EITHER.... now I ask myself, WILL I EVER UNDERSTAND.? The answer to that is still a mystery, but I am certain we all will...

    You did a fantastic job of expressing so much of what I too have felt. Thank you, and be safe out there... Tom

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    1. Thank you very much for reading and sharing you experience!

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    2. You sound like a kook. Volunteers make it hard for the professional Paramedics to ask for raises anyway...

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  14. Phenomenal, I have many of the same thoughts after almost 26 years in EMS.

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  15. This is absolutely the best way that I've ever heard these topics addressed. These are words that I've never been able to put onto paper to get my point across in a way that made sense. Thank you.

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  16. Thank you for this! I started young also and I didn't really get this at the time. I couldn't tell my gfs what it was like. This is so helpful.

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  17. God bless you all for your work on the front lines. I waited tables years ago in a restaurant where police and paramedics would come for coffee during their shifts. Lots of nights, there was much talking and joking amongst them. But too many nights they came in, they sat, they drank their coffee and said hardly a word, each obviously wrestling with the events of the night. That image has always stuck with me. Again, God bless you and keep you. Your work, your calling demands a high price, and what you do for us is priceless.

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  18. Sometimes.....I miss who I used to be.

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    1. this. i miss who i was and don't know how to find him again..it scares me so very much

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  19. I love all of you...

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  20. You said it exactly right. I have been pondering over it a lot lately. Wondering why I don't get so sappy anymore. I have changed, and that is not a bad thing. I am at a crossroads right now though. I recently became and RN and more recently became Director of Nursing in a prison. I hear the same stories from the prisoners that I did on the streets. I miss being on the streets terribly on one hand. On the other I don't think I have the nerve to do it again. Being a medic was my outlet. I am a very shy person and this was my opportunity to be who I felt I was. Crazy. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you great success and happiness in work and life. BC

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  21. Such an eloquent twist of words! While true these life changing events do change us, it is not for the better. It turns one into a survivalist, much like a warrior, incapable of adapting to civilian life. Ive been a paramedic, a wife of a paramedic, a stay at home mom and a woman returning to the workforce with a mid life career change. While i am thankful for my years of service, they are bittersweet. As soon as u leave the sub-culture of ems its like u were never there. No appreciation for the selfless shifts, the patients who dont even know you helped them or the coworkers who have moved on or resent that you have. The wear and tear and mileage you place on your body and nerves and heart are misspent in a world that thanks the doctor who spends 15 minutes with you, more if you are unconscious.All those people who seem so petty and insignificant are the very ones who will be there for you to bring you back to the reality zone. It is a puppy-mill mindset where you must completely immerse yourself and never come up for air. When you do, most of the time its too late.Way way too late and way too little and the cost was more than ever imagined. Explain to your child why you could help all those others but you couldn't be there for their petty recital. Too little too late. I think women should not even be allowed to serve. So i just set myself back 20 years. Is that such a bad thing when men were men, women were women, and mama cooked and Daddy grilled out? I am thankful I had the opportunity to get out and have my life back.

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  22. Thank you. My accident was Sept 25, 2005 at the San Diego Polo Club. I was given a tracheotomy before being taken, unconcious to the ICU. I remained in a coma for 32 days. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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  23. I have always said, and I quote a long forgotten Garth Brooks lyric here (and maybe not so exact, but you get the idea.), "I don't do this so that I can change the world, I do this so that the world doesn't change me."

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  24. I know this person very well and can even say I disliked her before we friends. I wondered why she was cold and even rude at times. After 10 short years in ems I found myself becoming this way and was often being called out on my attitude towards others. And still do. It completely changes you for the better and for the worse. Since I knew what a paramedic was as a kid, ive always wanted to be one. Now im done with it for the most part other than a few part time days every couple of months. I can breath easier and live more relaxed and not worry so much. Best explaination of the daily struggles of a medic ive ever heard. Love you LIB. The Ninja!!!

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  25. I know why I do the job. Its not the selflessness to help others. Its a selfish need to feel important. When doing this job reminds you just how petty people are and how many jobs people do that don't change or help society for the better. Its nice to know your job is necessary. That your job is useful. It changes peoples lives. And you will always have a purpose while doing it. When accountants talk about the bug firm they just got a job with can they say they had someone die in their arms? When hairdressers complain that their customers were unhappy with their service can they say their customers almost assault them on a daily basis (or actually do)... The comparisons and the ever changing and the unpredictability of our job compares to no other. We do it to give ourselves purpose. But we end up getting so deep it becomes our lives. Do it for a short time but get out. The longer you are in it, the more years of life u lose.... And the more important things u will not enjoy because you're too busy dealing with the distress of others.

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  26. Thank you for penning, by far, the best view inside of a medics mind and soul. I have spent 45 years in EMS and until a few years ago, I never really understood how and why I had "changed". It was at a party that a young women sat down next to me and struck up a conversation that began my examination of why I had become different. It is odd but that new friend, who is a chemist, could see and understand why before I could. She took the cork out of the bottle so to speak and allow me to understand how I and my EMS career , had affected the people around me. I will be sharing this post with her as she will get it. Again thank you for a splendid post.

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  27. As I sat here reading this, I began to cry almost uncontrollably. As many others have posted they too have these feelings of being changed. I know now I'm not alone. As others have also stated the only reason I'm still in is because of the pension & benefits that will come with retirement. But after 18 years I fear everyday that I may not make it to that day. Either the burnout is going to win or I'm going to fired because of some trivial thing that administration doesn't agree with or won't support there medics on. I have kept all this bottled up for so long, sometimes I feel as if I'm going to implode. Yes I've been changed. Not always for the better, but not always for the worst either. I just don't know how to handle the feelings anymore. Please each one of you pray for my guidance.

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  28. I've just let my job go after 10 yrs. 5 working straight EMS, 5 integrated Fire/EMS. i share the experience that most have written about above, including the article. i learned tho that i didn't change. i was always the compassionate, energetic wanting to help people person I've always been. what i learned is that we become detached from ourselves, numbed to the heart. its not our fault, more of a survival mechanism. we see so much on a regular basis that it piles on and builds a giant buffer. problem is human beings are not built for that. take all the burnout, addictions, relationship stuff for example. we rush fearlessly to the aid of someone else but take for grantit our own health, and well being. with our knowledge of the body we should know we are compromising almost all of our systems. what about the control system? the one that is responsible for all other functions, the nervous system? and what about the heart? the one that feels, enriches, and guides us to a rich and happy life? last year i had a traumatic experience happen to me and i realized i was know longer equipped with the basic tools to handle it myself, nor was our medical system, (anti-depressants). i could not jump in the truck with my partner, race into myself, tx the problem and guide to recovery. i was so full, yet so numb. Fortunately the numbness had sent me on a journey a few years back and i began seeking. seeking myself again. so when quickly i realized the typical tx for me was not working i went back to Kundalini yoga and meditation. as i started to let go of the recent trauma which was welled up in the centre of my chest, years and years of it poured out! i cannot explain to you in words the relief, but tears fill my eyes talking about it. I am so grateful for the job, tho it no longer serves me and i must continue on the path of self-discovery, self realization, and self healing, which the ancients believe is what we are here to do anyway! the job gave me a deep experience of life. of me. of others. and pushed me to a surrender and knowing that there is something greater than me. i was created for a purpose, as all of you are. the greatest advice i ever received as a small child still rings true....listen to your heart! if you can't hear it, start letting go!
    remember. tho we may feel that we have changed there is a part of us that is unchangeable, has always been, and will always be...your soul, and it speaks through your heart.

    Many blessings to you all for answering the call to serve. and blessings on your journey. may you have the wisdom and clarity to see that which no longer serves you, enriches your life, and the courage and wisdom to let it go. may your heart speak loudly and once again guide you on your path to your highest destiny.

    Sat Nam

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  29. A well written article that touches on a lot of good points. It also raises a lot of questions.

    Why are those in EMS so much more prone to the devastating effects of PTS? I think we would be very naive if we wanted to think that we were somehow exposed to things that police officers, firefighters, emerg nurses and docs were also not exposed to, and as regularly. Most of what we do in EMS is basically boredom and routine accompanied by a few moments of extreme stress. What makes an EMS provider's reaction so much different? I wish I had answers to this. I do have some ideas though.

    1) It is time to incorporate psychological screening into our profession. Many who have the brains and aptitude to do the skills of the profession do not have the emotional ability to do it. Just because you can memorize the anatomy, intubate and remember drug calculations do not necessarily mean you can cope with the realities of this profession. It is time for us to start turning people away out of compassion and mercy. Is it not better to hurt a few feelings now if it saves them from crippling effects of PTS later in life?

    2) We need to learn from the military. The servicemen who have the lowest percentages of PTS are those you would think would have the highest; snipers. Men who look into the whites of people's eyes before pulling the trigger. They have a face with each kill (unlike a fighter pilot or tank operator). They sometimes will spend hours watching a person, sometimes while they are interacting with their family, before they pull the trigger. Navy SEAL Chris Kyle, who recorded over 150 confirmed kills, is a good model for suitability to a rather ugly profession. Some police snipers fall apart after just 1 kill. What makes somebody like Kyle different? If you read his autobiography you see somebody who clearly is a peace with the ugly mission he was asked to do. His personality and perspective enabled him to avoid the PTS that directly related to his profession.

    I've been in EMS 10 years, was a combat paratrooper prior to that. It is time to end the long string of victims who should have never been allowed to put themselves in a position to have their lives ruined by PTS. I am sick of watching good people fall.

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  30. Well put. I think quite a few of us pick this field because of our personalities, and much has been made of the psychological make up of the people who choose such a difficult field. I think the reason PTSD affects us more often is due to the same reasons we initially chose this field- in other words BECAUSE of who and what we are. Obviously where you work is important- high call volume, vs rural- and each area has it's own challenges- whether it be the tolls taken thanks to years of running 20-30 calls in 24 hours, or responding to your own friends and family in a smaller community.

    The problem with burnout, PTSD, and associated issues is the effects are insidious and often take years to manifest themselves- often going unrecognized by ourselves or our peers until it's at a crisis level. I've taught and mentored countless folks new to the profession, and one of the first things you tell them is you cannot internalize what you see, and an easy credo to say, but difficult one to master: the emergency you respond to is NOT your emergency- be compassionate but do not get too close.

    You hate to scare people away from the business, but I think that along with the nuts and bolts of learning the job, we need to have honest discussions about things like PTSD and burnout-complete with real world examples and cautionary tales of how things can go horribly wrong down the road- particularly when our coping mechanisms break down. I do think these things will happen- especially since our profession is finally seeing large numbers of folks coming to the end of their long careers. I would love to see mandatory debriefings of retiring providers, getting feedback, assessing what went wrong and right, and things they feel are important to relate to future providers.

    Well done article- one of the best I have seen in my 30+ years in the business.

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  31. I Know EMS Has Changed My Life In MANY Ways...For The BETTER.

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  32. I wasan EMT in NJ since I was 17, then got my MICP in 1989. I went into Respiratory Therapy for something a little more stable. I miss EMS so much. But, in the summer of 2013, myn only son hung himself. I am not much more than a bundle of raw emotion, even 2 years out. My point is that my MDS & therapists all agree that my PTSD is made much worse due to my former career.

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  33. After over 30 years of being a paramedic working two jobs, I have not changed in regard to being cold and un-caring. I still truly care for sick and injured patients. But during a call being emotional distant allows me to function at a high level. You have to be tough or you can't think clearly. When time allows, then you can be the kind person you really are...And when work is over I leave it all behind. Some calls follow you home, but in time they disappear. Over the years, I have noticed that medics who got in the business for the wrong reasons burned out the fasted.

    And if you are getting toasty and burned out, try this if you are religious. Make believe every patient is God...

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  34. I must say that this is likely true for of us that have been in EMS for what most consider a long time (almost 21 years for me so far). I was fortunate enough to have had junkies for parents that let me see things that I would never being my children around (thank God I'm am only child), I ended up partying too much myself (I quit after puking blood for a week at 17), my some of my best friends were strippers and properties that I looked at as doing all they could as teenagers to get out of bad situations in which they were raped by their church going fathers in their upper middle class worlds and yet I was a virgin until I decided not to be, my friends ODed like my parents did but I was too much of a control freak to all the big drugs. I did end up in the wrong place at the wrong time abd got into a terrible MVC and saw one of my best friends die 3wks s/p turning 14 which the entire event temporarily destroyed me in addition to a rash of various situations causing the deaths if most of my friends at that time; I read the obituaries daily like a 90y/o. I had an ace in the whole however, I was always fascinated by the workings of the human body and I decided that I needed to fix all of these idiots and I needed to start with me. I always thought I would due before the age of 10 & when I didn't, I decided to start changing me. I learned to care a little but still protected me as I learned from before I can remember. This is when I started having a few select friends which were misfits in their own rights as previously described. I was in premed with a psychology degree preparing to be a neurosurgeon (removed, I was going to fix people) when I was asked to observe with a volunteer EMS/FD to see if I could handle the blood. So now I'm a paramedic and I'm still fascinated, I have a few actual friends, some in EMS and some not, I've been married to a wonderful man for 19 years that was a bartender at a restaurant where I was a waitress working my way through school, he is nite a restaurant manager and we have two beautiful wonderful children that I likely protect. We do not discuss my job because it freaks him out still and I'm still fascinated. I've always been odd and considered uncaring, and a cold they called me Spok, which became Data, and Nazi Princess (learning to care)... I truly think the MVC saved me and made me care by showing me that some actually cared about me. So, I'm a paramedic and I guess that is not the thing that makes me weird.

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  35. OMG..it makes so much more sense reading it in your words..thank you
    my favourite parts of this include
    " What I can say is that things that once were run-of-the-mill, important, life-altering questions and decisions no longer seem to be; in fact, many seem unimportant and petty".... and this paragraph ;
    Why should I care that you are cooking a 10-course meal for people who just moved into the neighborhood when I have to walk into homes in the middle of the night and see malnourished children who have never, and likely will never experience a 10-course meal? Why should I care that your pool man or housekeeper didn't show up today, even though they were supposed to, when I see people who are the pool man and the housekeeper both for their family and yours? Why should I care that your kid can read at 1 year old when I see 50 year olds who never had the luxury of attending school, and still have no idea how to read? Why should I care about your debate between this name brand pair of shoes and that name brand pair of shoes when I have patients who couldn't dream of such shoes or having a debate about such shoes? Or where you're going to eat for dinner tonight when I see people who don't even have enough money to put food on their own table, in their stomachs and their childrens' stomachs, not to mention eat off the dollar menu at McDonalds??

    Do I feel this way because I have changed or do I feel this way because they have changed? If it's me, is this a good change or a bad change? Is it bad that the conversations and people who used to interest me rarely do so now? Is it a problem that with whoever one of us has changed, a distance has grown between us? I can't answer that question for myself or anyone else. What I can say is that things that once were run-of-the-mill, important, life-altering questions and decisions no longer seem to be; in fact, many seem unimportant and petty.

    thank you for sharing these thoughts..keep on writing..:)
    PCP- BC


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  36. Thank you. From a retired paramedic after 35 years.
    Another element not all paramedics experience is working on their small home town.
    We deal with family members (brothers / parents), school friends, young athletes we have coached and fellow workers and partners .
    Then we meet their families at the mall , in church , back at the hockey rink or ball field on a daily basis.
    This is different from working in large cities where there is no personal first hand daiy connection .
    The call volume in small towns might be lower but responding to a heart attack call and finding your mother or a car crash and finding your brother has a lasting effect.
    I get asked if I enjoyed my work, my typical responce is , well I took the job getting out of college till I found a decent job. After 35 years (full time from day 1 starting out working 16 hr shifts with no training, I retired fully trained) I finally decided the only "decent job" was retirement.
    If the career doesn't change you, get out.
    My 1st boss told me on day 1 " treat every patient like your grandmother( Not Resussi Anne) and if you can make your patient smile -- well done !!

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  37. This is one of the best explanations concerning how "WE" as a family feel. The public never will understand. Of course, after 40 years service, I eventually had to retire due to medical reasons. And I agree. We have changed, but our metamorphosis is a result of seeing LIFE actually as it is, at its most base conditions. We have seen things that NO human being should ever have to see. But yet we travel on. As for me, I feel that my service was a "Ministry"- being there and doing things that "normal" people could never do. We are a peculiar breed, and there are not as many of us "OLD TIMERS" as before. Growing up in EMS taught me a lot. It did cost me friends, as they really cant get a grip. But it also introduced me to a wonderful group of people who share a common goal. Love to all my peers!

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  38. All in a 12 hour shift.. The drive to work is like standing in line to board a rollercoaster. You don't know every turn it's going to take but, you know you're getting on the ride and you know you're going to ride it like a pro. Birth, death, and all the unimaginable in betweens, it's all normal to us. I have wondered for a long time what normal actually is. I don't know any more but I do know one thing, I wouldn't trade a minute of my "abnormal" world for 300 years in your "normal" one. Yes, being a paramedic has changed me in more than one way but most importantly, it has given me the ability to truly appreciate things that I may not have been able to appreciate otherwise. I don't think that makes us abnormal, I think it makes us extranormal.

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